


Baby It's Cold Outside

by Tandy



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Future Fic, Reylo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 04:52:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8954407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tandy/pseuds/Tandy
Summary: Reyben goes on a mission to find Kyber Crystals.  Light and fluffy for the Holidays. One-Shot.





	

Part I

Rey is freezing despite the many layers of warm clothes she’s wearing. She’s from a desert planet for fucks’ sake, she’s not meant to withstand such low temperatures. Her teeth are chattering as she walks slowly through the ice of Ilum.

 She and Ben are on a mission to find Kyber crystals for their very own lightsabers. Since the war is over, Master Luke believes it’s the perfect time for them to finish the ancient rite of passage.  Ben had never performed it as Luke’s Padawan and there simply hadn’t been enough time for Rey to do it. Not that either she nor Ben are what anyone would call “traditional jedi,” but Rey thinks this is Luke’s way of providing both of them with a sense of closure.

 Rey could have done without the closure.

  _Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this._

 Maybe it wouldn’t be such a hassle if it weren’t for Ben _-I-think-you’re-beneath-me-_ Solo. The man is absolutely infuriating. She glares at his back and at his stupid, long-legged stride that ate up miles of the slippery ice. Rey trudges on, miserable and cold, as she tries to match his pace.

 She slips on the ice, and her feet skate awkwardly as she tries to keep her balance. “Fuck this,” she says aloud, regaining her balance with the Force and some ungainly maneuvering.

 When she’s caught herself, she looks ahead to see Ben staring at her. “Nice of you to just stand there and watch,” she says through chattering teeth.

 “Perhaps if you stopped cursing at the weather you could actually focus on a simple skill called walking,” he tells her.

 She would frown at him, but her face is numb and honestly, it’s not worth it. They’ve been squabbling since Ben joined the resistance and quasi joined Luke and her for Force training. It’s not going to change anytime soon. He might not be a monster anymore, but he’s still a dick.

 Ben shakes his head at her. He shrugs off his navy parka and throws it at her without ceremony. It lands haphazardly on her head.

 “Hey!”

 “I’m not cold,” he tells her. “And you’re a mess.”

 “And here I thought you were being a gentleman,” Rey says, but she huddles into the warmth of his parka with no complaints. It’s big enough to fit her over her own bulky clothes. “Should have known better.”

 Ben starts walking again with one last look of disdain thrown at her, just so she knows how utterly tasteless he finds her.

 “You know, I wasn’t just cursing at the ice,” she tells him.

 “Oh, I’m perfectly aware. You’re pathetically easy to read,” he says flatly.

 Rey’s next step is a frustrated stomp. She gasps as the ice cracks beneath her. She barely has time to register what’s happening when she sees Ben already running toward her, his feet almost sliding on the slick ice in his rush to reach her.

 “Rey!”

 Instinct takes over as the ice starts breaking under her weight, enough for her to ground her feet and speed forward towards Ben’s outstretched hand. His eyes are wide, and in them, she sees crippling fear. Rey’s mouth gapes open as he pulls her toward him. She ends up crushed against his body, able to hear his panicked breathing.

 She’s enveloped with an intensity of feelings that can’t be possible. Not from him. The fear he had felt left him vulnerable. He had been afraid for her, of losing her. Even now his relief at having her safe in his arms is palpable.

But it couldn’t be. Ben could barely stand her.

“I told you to be careful!” he roared.

“How was I supposed to know there was nothing but fragile ice!” Her hands are still clutching his torso. She looks back at the giant black hole that she had almost fallen into.

“Focus on where you’re stepping.” He lets go of her abruptly, his face already twisting back into his usual morose look, the feelings slowly being drawn back in. “I can’t go back without you. People would think I had finally given into the urge to murder you,” he adds scathingly.

Rey grits her teeth at his tone and the shortness in which he is hiding himself. “Ben-”

“If we hurry we might have this ridiculousness done by tomorrow. Try to keep up,” he tells her. Ben starts walking determinedly forward, but he slows down just enough for her to be at arm’s reach.

She tugs his parka tighter around herself, it’s warm and his scent surrounds her, as she stares inquisitively at his tense back. Rey hadn’t imagined it. Ben in fact cares for her.

Finn had once told her that Ren had a crush on her. The word crush associated with Kylo Ren had tickled her endlessly. It had seemed sheer insanity that Finn would even think that. But a simple crush was easier to swallow than the depth of feeling that had radiated from him.

He had never given any indication of his feelings.To Rey it seemed that he went out of his way to antagonize her. Their relationship hadn’t been easy, but Rey had thought that after years of working together they had finally reached a level of trust and understanding. For all his dickish ways, he was a formidable ally, one that she trusted greatly and maybe even admired- just a tiny tiny bit- not that she would ever fully admit it.

It had never crossed her mind that his feelings for her could differ so greatly from what she believed. She had discarded Finn’s opinion on the matter, thinking it nothing but foolishness. Maybe if she had listened… Then what? Rey frowns. Would it have changed anything?

They walk for hours in silence, and to her utter consternation, Rey finds him carefully assessing his steps, making sure their path is clear and safe. He’d been doing it the whole way, that’s why he made sure to walk so far ahead of her. To make sure it was safe for _her_.

Color rises up to her cheeks. Suddenly everything takes a new perspective, all his actions take on a new meaning. The parka for instance. Or how for the last day he had given her his dessert (the only palatable item in Rey’s opinion) from his rations, claiming he had no sweet tooth. There was an endless amount of occasions in which his behavior had seemed to be vitriolic, but if she really thought about it, could be construed as… sweet .

Yet another word she had never thought she would associate with him.

Finally, they reach the caves. Ben doesn’t even falter once inside, doesn’t even take a minute to appreciate the lack of chill from the outside, merely takes a light from his pack and continues. Rey follows complacently, rethinking every interaction and words spoken by him. It can’t be. There’s no way she could be that blind, that negligent of his feelings, especially with the Force.  

But then again, blocking Ben had become second nature. She hardly has to think about it anymore. The walls are permanently up. Regardless of what he says, Rey knows that he can’t read her as well as he claims. Surreptitiously, she lets her energy flow, trailing along his, delving for the first time in years.

He stops and turns to shoot her a glare.

Rey bites her bottom lip but holds his eyes. It’s him that can’t hold the stare, that turns away. She swallows hard, feeling… not knowing what she’s feeling except that it’s awkward. It’s too confusing, too hard to believe. She has so many questions, but she knows he’s too closed off to answer them.

She follows Ben into a narrow opening and when she comes out the other side, the cave has opened up, remnants of a ruined temple marking the giant cavern. It’s filled with energy, with the Force, neither dark nor light, simply power.

Ben drops his pack on the ground. “We’ll make camp here tonight.”

Rey nods. She takes off the parka and hands it to him. “Thank you.”

Sitting on her pack she rests as he proceeds to build his tent. Once he’s finished, he sits inside, taking a ration out.  Removing the seal, he grabs the fruit cup and throws at her. Expecting it, she catches it deftly.

“Ben-”

“Shut up and eat,” he tells her and then he closes the opening in his tent.

 _Childish_ , she thinks, as she eats the protein bars and dried vegetables. She saves the fruit for last, savoring the sweetness of the juice, eating slowly. Growing up on Jakku where food was scarce,  things like sweets and pastries were beyond imagining. She saves the portion that he had given her - feeling strange about it now- though her mouth waters for more.

Inside her tent she can’t stop thinking about the blast of feelings he had broadcasted. She still can’t wrap her mind around it. She turns on her thin pallet, cursing the rough ground of the cave. She slept in worse in Jakku, but it’s funny how once your situation improves you can never go back to what had been the norm before.

She’s later awaken from her fidgety sleep by the sound of Ben’s tortured moans. Sighing, she steps out of her tent to wake him, a flashlight in hand. It’s pretty normal to have to wake up during missions. His nightmares are not only detrimental to him, but when left unattended could keep her up the whole bloody night as well.

She opens the flap and can see his skin is clammy with sweat. As always, when she sees him like this her heart breaks a little. He is terrified, of what, she may never know, but feeling this usually stoic man so filled with dread is enough to chill her to the bone.

“Ben,” she starts softly, laying a hand on his shoulder. “Wake up. You’re safe.”

She’s learned a gentle approach garners the best results. Once she had ended up on her back, his fingers wrapped around her throat. “Ben. Shhhh, it’s okay.”

Slowly, he begins to waken.

He doesn’t open his eyes. He never does. “Thank you,” he says.

Usually, this is where she crawls back into her own bed. They never speak about his nightmares in the light of day. Too awkward a conversation to have between former enemies. But maybe she should have tried a little harder.

His long hair is plastered wetly against his face, his pale face is flushed and pained. Rey reaches out to smooth the hair back from his forehead. His eyes snap open and lock onto hers.

“Don’t.” He whispers, grabbing her wrist to stop her hand from continuing to brush back his hair into place.

“Ben-”

“Go back to your tent.”

“No.”

His hand tightens on her wrist.  “Just forget it, Rey.”

She stays silent, but does not move.

“How long, Ben?”

“Does it matter?” He releases her hand in exasperation. He sits up angrily, his eyes dark and vulnerable.

"Yes, it matters!”

She’s not sure why, but it does.

“Would it have changed anything if you had known before?”

Rey mulls it over.

“I don’t know. But...”

“But what? Nothing would have changed. I’m still the same man you first met, the one you tried to kill at first sight. I certainly doubt my feelings for you would have any sort of effect on how you feel about me.”

“That’s not true,” Rey shakes her head vehemently. “If that was the case I wouldn’t be here with you now, Ben. You’re so far removed from Ren that... ” It was hard to reconcile the man he had been to the man that she had worked with for the last several years. “I mean sometimes I still want to kill you on sight, for completely different reasons. But you’re not Kylo Ren anymore. I haven’t seen you like that in so long. I remember when I started seeing Ben, it was in Mustafar where you saved Finn’s life. I knew then that you were sincere in-”

“Abandon your girlish delusions. I didn’t do it for Finn. I couldn’t have cared less about him.”

“Then why?” It’s a stupid question to ask, one she knows the answer to as soon as the question leaves her lips.  She had saved Finn for her.  

That long. He had loved her for that long? Ben had loved her enough to risk his life to save her then boyfriend. She knows he expects her to recoil in disgust, but all she feels is awe that he would do something like that. For her.

“Thank you,” she says, though she knows both she and Finn had already expressed their gratitude years before. “Finn means a lot to me.”

“I know,” he states, swallowing hard.  

And it hurt him to know it. What had it been like for him to see them kissing and laughing, sneaking into rooms and sharing secret looks? If she’d known, she would have been much more considerate. She hadn’t known his glares and frowns were tools to hide his hurt. Rey’s eyes start burning.

Ben falls back down onto his pallet. He places the sad excuse for a pillow over his face.

“Just go away,” he says, his voice muffled by the fabric.

  “We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

 “No we won’t,” he says obstinately.

 It’s a restlessness night for the both of them. Rey knows from experience that he’d be too wary to fall back asleep and would probably spend the night meditating. For her part, her brain is too busy digesting all she had discovered.

 He loved her.

 Ben Solo was in love with her.

 Had been in love with her for who knows how long.

 And he could be sweet… in his own way.

 For the first time she thinks about him as man, as a potential lover. She can feel herself flushing from the tips of her toes to the ends of her hair just at the thought. He’s not what she would call handsome, but he she supposes he is attractive in a non traditional way. He has lovely hair that curls prettily against his neck, and a wide mouth that could almost be called pouty, yet is still masculine. A nose that she’ll call strong-as she is being kind- and eyes that are dark and expressive. Moles on his face begging to be counted. Wide shoulders, long arms and legs corded with muscle.   

 She had noted his attributes, but had never really focused on any of them, and now she feels arousal growing between her legs. Rey refuses to do anything about it. It’s too awkward with him only a few feet away. Besides, it felt wrong to use him to get off when he felt so deeply for her.

 But Force, those shoulders. How many times had she seen him naked from the waist up as they had trained or meditated? She hadn’t paid nearly as much attention as she should have. And those long fingered hands, large and strong and capable.

 She falls asleep thinking of his hands and his lips.

 The next morning comes too soon, and though Rey feels that she hardly slept, she finds him already packed and working on the door that leads further into the caves where they are supposedly going to find Kyber crystals. He’d already eaten his breakfast, as evident from the wrapped sweet cake he left at the foot of her tent.

 Rey eats her rations without thought, but eats the fruit cup from the night before with the sweet cake from today with absolute relish, savoring the sweet of the fruit and the sugary taste of the bread. She licks her lips one last time before starting to pack.

 She joins him at the entrance to the caves, in front of the two giant, intimidating doors etched with symbols she doesn’t understand. Ben is visibly frustrated, his face scrunched up, he is frowning at the door like he could open it with the power of his glare.

 “Luke told us we have to work together,” she tells him.  

 “Luke doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s never done this either.”

 But Rey can feel the power in this room. She lets it in. Slowly, she guides his hand and places it on top of the door, letting her small hand rest on top of his larger one.

 “Ben,” she says. “Don’t be afraid.”

 He looks down at her, his eyes guarded.

 Rey closes her eyes and feeds off the power in the room. Touching like this, she can decipher his feelings. Awe. He’s in awe of her. Her eyes open to find him still staring at her. She smiles and his breath catches.

 The doors swing open silently.

 He drops his hand awkwardly, leaving her behind as he crosses the threshold. Rolling her eyes, Rey follows.

 The caves are lit by strange rocks that give off a bright light of their own. Rey takes a moment to dig one out, but is disappointed when the rock flickers out.

 “Stop wasting time,” he says with furrowed eyebrows.

 “Don’t wait for me,” she tells him.

 He will. She knows it. He knows it.

 It’s strange to find she has this… power over him. She shakes her head at the odd thought.

 “How long, Ben?”

 “Rey,” he says and turns. “Leave it be.”

 “Why won’t you tell me?”

 “Because it doesn’t matter.”

 “It does to me. I know we haven’t exactly been friends but-”

 “Stop.”

 “How about we play a game? I say something, then you say something back or ask a question. I do the same for you. The game is called a conversation. You up for it?”

 “No.”

 “See you’ve already gotten the hang of it. Let’s see,” Rey says. “Finn was my first boyfriend. My first love. My first everything,” she tells him. “There was a boy in Jakku who showed an interest, but it turned out he only wanted me for my scavenging skills.”

 He doesn’t laugh. Of course he doesn’t.

 “There’s hasn’t been anyone since Finn.”

 He turns his head just enough to shoot her a disbelieving look.

 Rey flushes. “I meant no one meaningful.”

 She’d had lovers after Finn, but they hadn’t compared to what she’d shared with Finn.

 “No need to clarify. It’s none of my concern.”

 “The look you gave me seemed to suggest that there were hundreds,” Rey says drily. “I’ve been intimate with three people, hardly enough to raise anyone’s brows.How many people have you been with?” She asks inquisitively. Personal lives had always been off the table before. Suddenly, his personal life is this huge enigma that she desperately wants to know more about.

 “This is the conversation you wish to have?”

 “I’m curious.”

 “More than three,” he answers darkly.

 “How many more than three?”

 “I don’t know. More than three.”

 “More than ten?”

 “Rey.”

 “It must have been a lot if you’ve lost count,” she says. Rey can’t even imagine not knowing how many people she has slept with. Even after Finn, she remembers her two other relationships with fondness. “Who was she? Or he? Your first love?”

 His silence is telling.

 Force, but she keeps asking him the dumbest questions. Questions she knows the answer to. “And the more than three, possibly more than ten?”

 “None mattered.”

 How sad it must have been. Some people may believe that sex was sex regardless of the person, but to Rey sex had never been as fulfilling as making love with Finn at the height of their relationship. To think that he had never experienced that with someone he loved.

 “And I thought I was a late bloomer,” she says.

 “Attachments were forbidden,” he tells her. “Snoke cared little for what I did as long as I kept emotionally distant. After my defection, I was persona non grata.”

 “Still?” she asks, horrified that after all he’s done he would still be treated so poorly. It was doubtful that the resistance would have prevailed without Ben.

 “Not as much,” he says and it appeases her somewhat. “But there hasn’t been anyone that-” and then he stops so suddenly that Rey almost bumps into him.

 Rey peeks from his side to see what’s got him paralyzed. They’ve come to a dead end. But what held his attention were the countless Kyber crystals littering the cave from top to bottom. Luke had said there might not be any left to harvest. But the cave was full of the transparent crystals.

 Laughing, she steps away from his side, spinning in circles to get the full view. This time she knows even without focusing what crystals belong to her. She walks over to two crystals embedded into a rock close together. Rey lays a finger on them and to her delight they turn a forest green. They come loose with hardly any effort.

 She turns to look at Ben with the crystals on her hand to show them off. Ben is frowning at a lone crystal. “If I had known how close we were last night we could have just gotten it over with then,” he says, and it’s obvious he is stalling.

 He keeps staring at the crystal, looking almost… afraid.

 “Ben? What’s wrong?”

 He shakes his head. But he swallows hard and then says softly, voice gone weak. “What if it turns red?”

 Rey sucks in a breath. Was that why he had fought this mission so hard? Because he still thought of himself as Kylo Ren. He was afraid of what the crystal would reveal.

 “It won’t,” Rey tells him.

 “How can you be sure?”

 “I’m betting on orange,” she tells him, “I know your fondness for BB-8. Or maybe a nice soft pink for the prince.”

 He looks at her oddly for a moment, but then his lips quirk up just a bit as she had hoped.

 “It won’t be red. I know it. I’m sure of it.”

 He doesn’t look convinced.

 “So what if it’s red? It doesn’t change who you are, Ben. It doesn’t change the man you’ve become. Who knows, maybe red is for assholes. Which you are.”

 “Is this your idea of a pep talk?.”

 “Just trying to help,” she tells him, but she’s smiling at him and he is responding beautifully with a small smile and soft eyes.

 Taking a deep breath he pulls the crystal free. Enclosed in his fist, they don’t know what color it has turned.

 “Orange. I definitely see a bit of orangy light.”

 “Shut it.”

 He opens his fist.

 “Oh, Ben.”

 It’s a deep blue.

 He actually laughs and the smile he grants her is blindingly beautiful. His joy is infectious. “It’s blue,” he says, absolute wonder in his voice.

 “Of course it’s blue!” And she has her arms around him and her mouth on his for a quick peck before she know what’s she’s doing. He stares at her with such happiness that she kisses him again. And again.

 But then he pushes her gently away before she’s gotten a good taste of him. His discomfort is obvious, and she feels guilty for stealing the moment away. “I got carried away,” she says. “I didn’t mean to ruin it.”

 “You didn’t… it was nice,” he says stiffly.

 “ _Nice?_ ” she laughs lightly. “I would think that it was better than just nice.”

 His brows furrow and his mouth purses in that way that she’s come to learn in the past two days that means he’s puzzled. She realizes two things then. One, that she’s flirting. Two, that he is an odd combination of aloofness, arrogance and awkwardness. Strangely, it works for her. It really works for her.

 But it’s not fair to him. He’s not a boy she met at a cantina whom she can flirt and do a little dance that may or may not lead to further encounters. He loves her. Deeply. And she mustn’t take advantage of that regardless of how much she wants to kiss him. And fuck, does she want to kiss him.

 “Green,” she says showing off her own crystals, trying to get the conversation back on track.

 “Two? Aren’t you a greedy thing?” He says placing his crystal reverently on an inside pocket of his pack.

 Rey frowns at him, and then notices the slight twitch in his lips. She was about to go off on him about not listening to her. But obviously he had meat to antagonize her. Which he almost did by pretending he didn’t know about her staff saber that she had been working on for years.

 “You don’t fool me anymore,” she tells him rankly.

 “If we hurry we might make it to the Falcon by tonight. And finally, it will be over,” he tells her.

 “Are you crazy? There’s no way. Let’s make camp close to the entrance of the caves. We’ll leave early morning tomorrow.”

 “No. We can make it.”

 He’s eager to escape her, she realizes. “Fine.”

 They make good time but by the time they reach the outside, they only have a couple more hours of sunlight. They might have made it before nightfall if the weather hadn’t turned on them. Sleet started falling, making their progress slow and miserably cold.

 He turns back to her and starts to take his parka off.

 “No, Ben.”

 He ignores her as he continues to remove his coat. “It’s my fault we’re out here. And really, I’m warm enough without it.”

 Rey shakes her head. “Having you admit you were wrong will keep me warm enough.”

 It doesn’t deter him, even when she steps back, he grabs onto her hand to keep her still. He wraps the parka around her shoulders, and even puts the hood up, tying the strings below her chin to keep it in place. “Don’t take it off,” he says, as if he can read her thoughts. “There are very few things that I can do for you. This is one of them. Please.”

 It breaks her heart that he thinks that.  

 He walks determinedly ahead despite the chilling wind and ice falling from the sky. He’s not warm enough, Rey thinks, he’s just more apt at withstanding punishment. He looks so alone, blazing a trail against the ice. Her heart will be left in a million tiny pieces after this mission. Rey hurries a little more, and catches one of his hands in her own.

 He doesn’t look back, doesn’t even break stride, but he doesn’t let go.

 They’re exhausted when they finally reach the Falcon. Rey goes immediately to the temperature controls and sets it high, to a temperature that most days would have Ben bitching at her. She looks back at him, already discarding his clothes, she doubts he’ll have a problem with it tonight.

 Rey looks away as he removes his pants, leaving him only in underwear. It’s not the first time she’s seen him thus, but it’s certainly the first time she’s actually felt shy about it. There hadn’t been any place for timidity during the war, nor in Jakku, so it’s ridiculous that she’d feel it now with him, at the sight of his bare shoulders and legs.  

 She moves to the cockpit as the air warms up nicely, and readies for lift off.

 No go.

 She lets her head fall onto the controls. Great. Just what they needed. She’s much too tired from a restless night of sleep and the hard journey in the snow to check the engine. They’ll leave tomorrow. He’ll have to deal with her one more day.

 She goes to his room, formerly chewie’s, to let him know the bad news. He’s exiting the ‘fresher with a towel wrapped around his waist and another rubbing at his long hair. “Yeah?”

 Why is it so hard now to keep her eyes above his neck? Force, but he’s built. More so than she remembers. “The Falcon is having technical difficulties,” she manages to croak out.

 He snorts. ”What a surprise.”

 “I’m too tired to check now. I’m guessing it has to do with the weather. I’m sure I’ll have us operational tomorrow.”

 He nods in resignation. “It was stupid to try to leave tonight. I shouldn’t have pushed.”

 “At least we’ll sleep in comfortable beds tonight. Also, better food,” Rey says. “Let’s go eat something,” she says cocking her head to the door.

 He shakes his head. “You go and gorge yourself on sweets. I’m too tired.”

 She leaves his room reluctantly to eat by herself.

 Rey does end up eating the candy that she has stored in the Falcon, accompanied by warm sweetened blue milk. It’s doesn’t satisfy her as it usually does, and alone in her room, she can almost sense his brooding but she drops asleep out of sheer exhaustion.

 She fights waking up with every ounce of her being. Rey is absolutely wrecked. But there’s an insistent tug that is forcing her awake. Groggily she comes to, and is assaulted by panic. Orienting herself, she pushes back the fog. It’s Ben. He’s having a nightmare. It’s unusual for him to have them nightly.

 Feeling bone weary she makes her way to his room.

 “Shhh. Ben. Shhh. It’s okay. You’re safe. I’m here.”

 She runs her fingers through his hair, smoothing it back, as she purrs sleepily. Ben reacts to her touch and settles down.

 “Thank you,” he says with his eyes closed.

 He needs sleep and so does she. And she so fucking tired, the trek to her room seems to much of an effort. “Move over,” she says, already falling into bed

 But of course he doesn’t move, and she ends up half sprawled on top of him. Finally, he shifts a little, and thank goodness for Chewbacca’s large bed, there’s no way they would have fit in hers.

 “What are you doing?”

 “Sleep,” she mumbles. “We need sleep.”

 “Sleep in your own bed.”

 “I won’t be able to. You’re afraid to sleep,” she tells him. “I know.”

 “How is having you in my bed going to remedy that?” He ask rankly.

 “Shh. I’ll wake you up if you have a nightmare again, Ben. I’ll be right here,” she says sleepily.

 He doesn’t relax right away, it takes a moment for his body to get accustomed to having her so close.  Rey wonders if he’s ever shared his bed with anyone. She lays a hand on his chest. “Sleep. I’ll protect you.”

 The last thing she hears before falling asleep is the sound of his deep laugh.  

 When she wakes, it's in her own bed. Rey looks at the ceiling, wondering if she imagined his embrace during the night, or if he had actually let himself hold her. Still tired, she climbs out of bed and zombies her way to a shower.

 She makes herself a cup of caf, sweet and creamy before she starts working on the Falcon. He drinks tea, a fragrant type that makes her mouth water, though she knows from experience it’s nothing but bitter water. She prepares it the way he likes it, strong and with a dash of cream, and isn’t it just a hoot all the little things she’s picked up about him that she’s hardly ever noticed?

 She goes down into the engine room even though she’s still too sleepy to be of any use. She’ll drink her caf and watch him work on the mechanics. It’ll be a great way to start her morning.  

 “Here,” she says, handing him the steaming cup.

 He blows on the tea before taking a careful sip. Force, but he’s fucking adorable.

 “Two power cells are out. The FTL is also shot, but that’s beyond my skill set,” he tells her.

 “I’ll work on it as soon as the caffeine hits my system,” she tells him.

 “Guide me through it and I’ll do it.”

 “You’re not even done with the cells yet. It’ll be faster if we both work on them. Just give me a moment.”

 She drinks the rest of her caf, watching as he confidently removes the busted power cells.  When she feels somewhat alert, she goes to work on the FTL next to him. They work in companionable silence, sharing tools and space.

 “How long, Ben?” she asks, breaking the calm silence.

 His shoulders instantly tense.

 “How long?”

 He continues working on the cells, and she thinks he won’t answer her, but finally he says, “Always. Since the beginning. Twisted as I was, I felt so much for you.”

 “Since-” she busies herself with removing the coils, pretending she’s not shocked. “But- I mean- I tried to kill you. And you-, I mean-, that’s years, even before-” she’s absolutely tongue tied. Rey focuses on a rivet, trying to gather her scattered thoughts.  “Why me? It seems so unlikely that I would catch your attention. I am- was a scavenger, I was-”

 “You’re extraordinary, Rey. I knew it from the moment I saw you.”

 “Because of the Force?” She’s so tired of people calling her special for it. She hates it, absolutely hates it when people act like it's the sole thing that defines her.

 “I was smitten before that. You were,” he stumbles but continues, “fierce and strong. Defiant despite how afraid you were. And you were, are-beautiful,” he says and she feels his dark eyes moving over her.

 Rey knows she’s not unattractive and she’s been called beautiful before, usually when Jessika pins her hair up and dabs makeup on her face. The boys who tell her that she’s beautiful give her  smarmy smiles and flirtatious lines. She’s never been called beautiful while she’s stained with grease and wearing rags. All those other times, she thinks, had been empty compliments. Ben means it.

 Something flutters deep and low in her belly.

 “Now you know,” he says. “And it’s changed nothing except to make us both feel more uncomfortable.”

 “Of course it changes things, Ben,” she tells him. “And I’m not uncomfortable. I’m just… processing.”

 He finishes replacing the cells in silence. She doesn’t know what to say to him to make him feel better. It’s shocking. That he’s felt like that and just hid it for so long. But she hasn’t lied to him, uncomfortable is not what she feels. More like seriously flattered and piqued. Thinking about him like that, of being with him, turns her insides to mush, especially when he uses such words as _smitten._ Who says that?

 Ben Solo that’s who.

 “Aren’t you going to help me with this?” She asks as he starts to exit the engine room. “I’ll teach you.”

 He shakes his head.

 “Ben, if you had given me any sign of how you felt, if you had let your guard down just a bit, opened up just a bit like you have these past few days I would have been very much interested.”

 “Thank you for that,” he says, and she knows he thinks she’s only trying to be nice.

 “Ben-”

 “No more,” he says before leaving the room.

 Rey stares after him. She’ll give him time. And then she’d show him how very much interested she is in exploring a relationship with him. Rey goes back to the FTL smiling, wondering what more endearing tidbits she’d find about him.  

 Once she was done, she doesn’t bother with letting him know the Falcon was ready. She lets him brood in his room alone as she pilots the ship by herself. One thing she’d come to learn is that Ben spooked easily. Who would have thought such an imposing man could be so adoringly awkward?

 Rey has barely set down the Falcon for landing when Ben is already waiting to get out. His discomfort is evident in the set of his shoulders, and the face that is too neutral to be believed. The door opens but before he can step out she calls out to him.

 Ben stops and turns around. She approaches him cautiously, not really knowing what to say, but not wanting to let him go just yet. He looks down at her questioningly.

 Rey rises to her toes to plant a soft kiss on his cheek.

 “Is that all?” he says, his face stubbornly stoic.

 “Yes, that’s all,” she tells him, laughing. “For now.”

 He opens his mouth to say something, he looks torn. Finally he says, “Goodbye, Rey.”

 ***

 Part II

“Rey!” Finn calls out as soon as he sees her walk into the mess hall.

Rey waves and laughs as Finn quickly makes his way to her. He picks her up and swings her around as if she’s been gone for years instead of only three days. He gives her a smacking kiss halfway between her jaw and her neck.

“I’ve missed you,” he tells her.

Rey smiles. “Liar. But it’s nice of you to say.”

Finn rolls his eyes and swings an arm over her shoulders, leading her to a table. Finn is an outrageous flirt that never lacks company. Rey loves to see him so happy, so sure of himself, so different from when they had met. She hopes she’s grown too, that she had left behind the sad abandoned girl she’d been.

“So did you get them?”

“Yup!”

Finn gestures to the bartender for two drinks. “Let’s see them.”

She takes out the little pouch in which she had placed the crystals. She shakes the contents on top of Finn’s hand.

“Three?” He asks puzzled.

All Rey can do is stare. There, among her forest green stones, is Ben’s bright blue crystal. Rey looks at it and frowns. “The blue one is Ben’s. How did it-”

A feeling of dread pools slowly. She takes a deep breath and searches for him with the Force. It’s no use, he too has learned to block her throughout the years. Rey had no idea where he is. They’ve only been back for a day, he had to be on base.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. I have to go- I have to look for Ben,” she says taking the crystals from his open palm.

She leaves the mess hall almost at a run, and it's no surprise that Finn follows worriedly behind her. “What the hell, Rey? You’re starting to scare me.”

She slows, trying to slow her rapidly beating heart. “It’s nothing. I just… need to find Ben.”

He stares at her for a long time and she tries not to squirm. “Why? What happened?”

Ben had been hiding his feelings for her for so long that it felt wrong to just blurt it out to Finn. It would feel like betrayal if she were to tell Finn what had occurred, no matter how much she wants to do so. “During our mission, well, you see, I found that he’s not a total dick. He’s actually…” she blushes in a way she hasn’t ever blushed.

Finn’s expression clears in understanding. “I see.”

“Is it strange for you?”

“Not as much as you would think,” he tells her. “For as much as you two like to squabble you work surprisingly well together. It was disconcerting, especially when you and I were still involved. After we broke up, I figured he’d make a move if you’d quit your frowny face-”

“Frowney?”

He shifts his face into a frown, a mimic of her own. “Frowney. Like you're frowning, right now. But he never did make a move, even though I had a sneaking suspicion that you wouldn’t be uninclined were he to work up the courage. I guess I’ve been preparing myself for some time now. So, no, it’s not very strange.”

“I think he’s left,” she says, gazing at the blue crystal in her hand.

“Go get him.”

A smile quirks up her lips. She kisses his cheek. “I love you, Finn.”

“I know,” he says matter of fact.  

Rey laughs and makes her way to Ben’s rooms, feeling somewhat more composed. It doesn’t take her very long to break in or to confirm her suspicions that he’s left. The rooms are completely empty of his belongings, not that he had many, but his clothes, holos, and odd knick knacks are gone.

She hurries to Luke’s quarters next, it’s quite late, but if anyone can tell her where he’s gone to, it’s him.

 _Luke?_ she calls out before she arrives at his door.

_What is it Rey?_

He opens the door to let her in. “Is everything okay? You seem agitated.”

“It’s Ben’s,” she says as she pushes the blue crystal into his hand.

Luke stares at it as if he can’t believe what he’s seeing. “It’s blue,” he says, his face proud.

“I found it amongst my crystals. And I don’t know why he’d do that when he needs it for his lightsaber and I think he’s left but he didn’t even say-” But he had said goodbye, she just hadn’t understood at the time that he meant by that morose parting.

“That idiot,” Rey says, and she sinks onto one of Luke’s uncomfortable chairs.

“Ben doesn’t intend to ever wield a lightsaber. Not after Han. I urged him to seek the crystals as the last step to finish his return into the light. Still, I’ve never held much sway over the boy.  He took the journey to accompany you, I imagine.”

 Rey stares at him for a moment, puzzled at the last bit. Then she understands. “You _knew_? You knew how he felt about me? And you never said anything? Just let him bury it?”  

 “I did,” Luke serene expression falters. “He struggled mightily in the beginning, Rey. And what he felt for you was convoluted and possessive. It was harmful for the both of you.”

 “And later?”

 “He still struggles, Rey. He will always struggle. He couldn’t afford any distractions and I’m sure he didn’t want to drag you down with him or hurt you in any way. It was the right decision.”

 Rey takes a deep breath, brimming with anger for Luke and heartbreak for Ben. “He loves me, and you made him feel like he had to hide it, that it was wrong.”

 “No. I never-,” Luke struggles for words. “He needed to learn to be himself again before entangling himself in complicated emotional tethers that were bound to add pressure to his unstable state.”

  _Fucking Jedis_ , Rey thought viciously, with their fear of love and attachments. It was the reason she had known early on that she would never be what Luke wanted her to be. She _yearns_ too much for stability, for love, for family. Loving Finn, belonging with Poe, Jessika and Chewbacca was what had kept her sane and grounded.

 “Where is he?”

 “It wouldn’t do for you to encourage him, Rey. He wants to snart anew, as much as he can.”

 “He wants to forget about me, you mean.”

 “Not forget, just put you and the war behind him. He deserves it.”

 He’s looking down at the blue crystal, and with anger Rey calls it back to her with the use of the Force. “That’s mine,” she tells him. “Where is he?”

 “It would be unfair to go to him now, when you feel nothing compared to what he feels for you, Rey. It would be cruel.”

 “Crueler to never tell him how I feel, even if it’s not on par for what he feels for me yet.”

 He sighs deeply, obviously reluctant, but he knows she’ll find out eventually where he has gone. “He joined his mother at the new capital.”

 ***

 Rey has been to the capital a few times, quick pick up or drop off runs, never has she actually set foot on it. It’s too chaotic, she thinks, but she can’t help but follow the activity of the city. It’s strangely fascinating.

 At first she had thought the rebel base to be difficult to navigate,  she would gett lost in endless corridors and identical looking rooms. But it’s nothing compared to the government building she’s in now. She thinks she’s in the right floor but... every floor looks the same, with the same busy looking people that only give her cursory glance before going back to their work.

 “Rey?”

 It’s Leia coming to her, her face awash with wonder.

 “Hello Minister,” she greets. “I’m, uh, looking for Ben.”

 A broad smile blooms on Leia’s face. She grabs one of Rey’s hand in both of her own. “Go straight until the end of the hallway. Go through the door on your right.”

 “Thank you.”

 The woman doesn’t let go. “I hope you can come to dinner one of these days.”

 Rey feels the blush all the way to the roots of her hair. If there was any questions of whether Leia knew about her purposes, they were gone now. “That’s really up to your son.”

 “He might need some prodding, stubborn man that he is,” Leia says, and it almost sounds conspiratory. She squeezes Rey’s hand one last time before winking at her.

 Rey feels unbelievably awkward.A new feeling towards Leia, as the older woman has always been a comforting presence for her. It must be all the naughty things she’s been planning to do to her son.

 With her blush still heating her face, she smiles goodbye at Leia to follow her directions toward Ben.

 Still blocking her, she thinks, as her attempt at reaching out to him using the Force fails. She’s been trying and trying and everytime she hits a wall. She can’t wait until he lowers his defenses again, to feel how much he loves her. Rey wants him to feel her too, the feelings that have taken root within her.

 She enters without knocking to find him hunched over a holo, his expression scrunched up in concentration. Her heart pitter patters all over the place.

 He looks up distractedly and his eyes go wide at the sight of her.

 “Is something wrong? What’s happened?”

 Rey frowns at him. However appealing he looked and how endearing his concern was, the man had pretty much abandoned her with nary a word.

 “Rey?” He says slowly, inspecting her heavy frown. His eyes turn guarded. “What did I do?” He says resigned, with an expression she knew too well from years of laying into him while he looked at her with boredom.  

 Ben was really clueless. It had never occurred to him that he’d hurt her by leaving. It had never crossed his mind that she’d come for him, and only for him. And there went her heart again, breaking again.

 “You didn’t do anything. That’s the problem.”

 He looks wary now.

 “And you’re terrible at this. Just terrible. Here’s a helpful hint, when a girl kisses you, holds your hand, sleeps cradled against you, and otherwise ogles you, it’s pretty much a clear indication that she wants you. Now, for future reference, if you don’t want her back, you let her down easy, say by claiming you have a badass girlfriend that’ll kick her ass for kissing you. However, and I know this is the case, if you do actually want the girl, and this is important, you don’t leave her without saying goodbye and make her chase you halfway across the galaxy.”

 He swallows hard. Finally understanding. “I said goodbye,” he says in his defense.

 Rey frown deepens. “You are the most insufferable man I’ve ever met. I just want to...argh.”  She gestures with her hands violently. Then she looks at his befuddled face, and all she really wants to do is to kiss him.

 “I thought it better to just leave. I wanted to-”

 “Yeah, Luke told me,” she says wryly. “To start over. Without me.”

 “It’s not just about you, Rey.”

 “I know that too,” she tells him. “But I have a proposition for you.”

 “What is it?”

 “I could leave here today. Not come back and you’ll have your clean slate. You’ll never see me again. Or,” she starts, walking closer to him, “I could stay, you can let me in, just a little, and I could kiss you, and maybe have dinner with your mother as she suggested. It doesn’t have to be that scary, Ben. I’ll be gentle,” she teases with a smile.

 “My mother invited you to dinner?” He asks, and he looks absolutely miserable and embarrassed that she laughs.

 “Yes,” she tells him. “She’s quite enthused with the idea actually.” Then she frowns. “How Force sensitive is your mother? I was doing some very serious imagining of all the naughty things I’d do to you.”

 He groans. “Rey, I don’t know how to do what you’re asking of me. I’m… terrible at this as you’ve said. As tempting as it is, please go, find someone that is capable of giving you want you deserve.”

 “I already found him, you idiot. And you’re not that terrible, Ben. I mean, you managed to make me fall halfway in love with you in just three days. And you weren’t even trying.”

 His face stutters into an emotionless expression.

 Rey frowns again. “Not really the response I was shooting for,” she tells him wryly.

 He takes a seat behind a desk. Shell-shocked is what he looks like. And really, this man had taken beatings and blaster shots and mind torture but he looks absolutely blown away by her little confession.

 He doesn’t speak for a long time just stares at her with an intensity that make her tingle all over. “How can you quantify the halfway mark in falling in love?”

 Rey laughs. This man, really. Force, only he would say such a thing. “Three-quarters of the way now,” she tells him. He smiles a little. “Definitely three-quarters.”

 “Well, if it’s going to be that easy-” he tells her, and as nonchalant as he sounds, the words are heavy with meaning.

 Rey tampers down the squeal that almost comes out. “May I kiss you now? I’ve been dying to just kiss, umph-”

 He’s out of his chair and kissing her in an instant. And thank the Force for more-than-three- possibly more-than-ten because the man can kiss. He kisses her with a want that’s desperate and needy. Rey kisses back just as fiercely, wanting to show him how much she wants him back.

 “Oh, my, pardon me for interrupting your mating, Master Organa-Skywalker-Solo,” a mechanical voice, says from the door. “However, you _do_ have a standing appointment with Secretary Orson regarding the new security measures.”

 “I'll be right there, Threepio,” Ben tells the droid, his lips swollen and his voice shaky.

 “I have to go,” he says, but he’s looking at her as if leaving her is the last thing he wants to do. He leans down for another kiss.

 “Oh, dear, and I thought your parents were enthusiastic-”

 “Okay. Okay. I”m going.”

 Rey laughs. “I’ll wait for you.”

 “Threepio, I’ve told you, just call me Ben or Solo will do,” he tells the droid as they make their way out of the room.

 “I would never dream of disrespecting any of your proud heritage, Master Organa-Skywalker-Solo.”

 ***

 Rey is giddy as she lands the Falcon, already feeling his presence. Ben is waiting for her on the docking area as he’s done for the last three months when she visits him.

  _Hi_

  _Hello_

 Rey revels in their thoughts, filled with affection and warmth. Just simple greetings that convey so much.

 He’s right outside the Falcon, hands in his trouser pockets and wind blowing in his hair and it’s just too much, her heart feels like it’s about to burst off her chest. Not being able to contain herself she launches at him with a giggle. Sensing her intent, he plants his feet wider, bracing himself as she jumps on him to wrap her arms and legs around his body.

 “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you.”

 Rey kisses him hungrily, burying her fingers in his hair. Ben is laughing, and she swallows the sound of his joy with her kisses, wanting more of it. It’s become addicting, and leaving him has become torture, waiting to see him for days after even more so.

 “You’ve missed me? I can’t tell,” he says, his voice low, almost amused.

 Rey kisses him one last time and shimmies until his hands drop from behind her thighs to let her slide down his body. She ducks under him to swing his arm around her shoulders. He’s grown used to her displays of affection. It’s not usual that he initiates in public but he pretty much lets her do as she pleases with him.

 Their time together is limited by Rey’s erratic schedule which often coincides with his regular work schedule. It’s rare when they both are free at the same time. They make it work, and in the evenings they’ll have dinner with Leia and Chewie, take a stroll down to the lake, or in one memorable night spend it by the ocean where he actually managed to persuade her to get ankle deep in the water.

 They go to his housing unit, and it feels like she’s home, though the days spent with him haven’t really been that many. But she gazes around the living area, and can’t help but feel happy at the sight of the various plants she’s scattered around his space. Rey imagines him taking meticulous care of them when she’s gone.

 “I have to get some work done first,” he tells her, as she settles on his sofa.

 He’s a workaholic, no surprise there, but Rey doesn’t mind. She enjoys watching him concentrate on holos and plans, likes the way his hair falls over his face and he swipes it back with an impatient hand. Sometimes, he even bites his bottom lip, and doesn’t that just get her going.

 Fondly, she recalls the last time she was here to watch him work. She’d gone to him, started kissing him and had ended up between his legs, suckling him until he came. Rey smiles wickedly at him.

 “None of that,” he says, his expression adoringly serious. “Later, I promise.”  He walks over to the pantry to retrieve an item.

 Three months before they’ve hardly ever touched except in the most cursory of ways. Now she knows exactly how to draw out his pleasure, how to touch and kiss him to make him grunt and moan. She knew other things too, Rey thinks with a smile, like the fact that he is ticklish and that he was lying when he had told her he had no sweet tooth.

 He comes back with a pretty cake, topped with cream and berries. “Slowly,” he cautions.

 Rey digs in and he shakes his head at her lack of discipline when it comes to sugary concoctions.  Being raised by Leia, a former princess, Ben has impeccable manners. Often she feels like glomping bantha, but he doesn’t seem to mind at all. He swipes his thumb on the corner of her lips to remove crumbs before he settles on his desk.

 If he thought the pastry was going to hold her over until he finished what he needed to do he was completely in the wrong. Rey pretty much inhaled the dessert and ended up on her stomach on a glutton stupor, watching him lazily.

 They’ve yet to have actual sex. It’s only recently that they’ve let lust get the best of them. At first they had kissed for hours and hours, and when they weren’t kissing they were holding each other and talking. Mostly her at first, but he’d managed to loosen up some, and she’d learn more of him in the past months that in all the years she had known him.

 They do sleep together in the same bed, have being doing so since she first started visiting him. The man was a complete bed-hog, which came from never having shared a bed with another person. And as much as Rey liked to give him grief about pushing her to the absolute edge of the bed, when she was back at the base she missed his big body next to hers.

 Rey startles form her light nap when he jostles her gently into his arms. “I apologize,” he says, walking into their bedroom. “I took longer than I had planned.”

 He drops her on the bed and starts removing her clothes with perfunctory movements. Rey smiles, always so serious, so focused, her Ben Solo. Her last garment is removed with a lifting of her hips to help him slip her leggings and underwear down and off. His eyes rake over her body, naked except for his crystal hanging from her neck, his feelings for her obvious and intense.

 The walls that they had built around themselves had crumbled away to nothing surprisingly quick.  It’s easy as breathing now to decipher his feelings and his moods. He knows her just as intimately too, knows her joy and her fears, understands the way she clutches at him at night, afraid to let go.

 Ben runs his hands over her body as if wanting to memorize the dip of her waist and the curve of her breasts. Rey lays back as he brings a hand down on her wet core. He spreads her open tenderly, spreading her arousal, circling her clit softly. She arches her back pleading for more.

His eyes are half lidded, and she knows _knows_ that he loves how wet she is for him. She spreads her legs wider, invitingly. He rewards her with a finger, then two, and curls them inside of her. She moans, watching his face, his serious, focused face, the sullen eyes that are dark with lust for her.

 He’s absolutely mouthwatering. She adores everything about him. She pulls him down to her to kiss him roughly. Force but she loves the way he kisses. Full of passion and hunger, teeth and tongue that drive her mad with want. And he loves her, loves her so fucking much it’s overwhelming. So damn evident that she wants to cry for all the wasted time. She kisses him harder, rubbing her naked body against him.

 “Take your clothes off,” she moans between kisses.

 He doesn’t comply, instead lowers his mouth to her breast, latching on and sucking on her nipples in hard pulls that have her crying out. But she wants to feel him naked atop her, wants to feel the burn of his thick cock on her stomach, wants to take him in her hand and her mouth-

 “Fuck,” he says, closing her eyes tightly, his breathing harsh and uneven. “Rey,” he starts but she’s pushing him off her and onto his knees, pulling at his shirt until he raises his arms so she could remove it.

 She bites onto his shoulder, laves the sting with her tongue and lowers her mouth to his chest. Her hands go lower and she runs her nails over the scars that cover his wide beautiful body. She loves each and every one of the scars, had kissed and touched each one, knowing that they made him who he is now. Her Ben.

 The man she’s completely in love with.

 He stiffens under her touch. “Rey?”

 Her mouth comes up to kiss him and she lets the emotion that had bloomed inside her envelope them both. _I love you. I love you. I love you._

 Ben swallows hard, searching her eyes. “Will you say it?”

 She beams at him. “I love you,” she says without any hesitation.

 “That last quarter was a bitch,” he says, pecking her lips.

 Rey laughs falling back onto the bed taking him down with her. He nuzzles into her neck and she feels him toeing off his shoes then unbuckling his belt to remove his pants. He settles between her legs, hard and hot at her entrance.

 “Is that what you’ve been waiting for?” she asks, canting her hips against him.

 As much as she had enjoyed anticipation, the build up that was both satisfying and frustrating at the same time, she would have let him fuck her long before now. There had been so many times that she had wanted him so badly that she’d almost begged for it.

 “Oh, I know,” he says not without some arrogance, “but I wanted all of you.”

 And isn’t that just so fucking him? Romantic and sweet and yet greedy and possessive. “You have me,” she says brokenly as he nudges inside.

 The smile he gives her as he slides in is not a nice one but it coils something deep inside of her as her body stretches to accommodate him.

 “Good?” He asks, halfway inside of her. And he knows it's good, he can feel how good it is for her. But he wants to hear her.

 Too bad she can’t form words and a moaned, “mmmm” will have to do.

 She arches her back as he pushes all the way inside her. Ben takes one of her legs, pushing it up to spread her wider, letting him go impossibly deeper inside of her. He pulls out slowly and rams back into her, his thrust forceful and firm and she’s mewling and grunting under him.

 “Tell me again,” he rasps.

 Rey holds her hands above her head, grabbing onto the headboard for purchase as he continues his heavy pace. “I love you, Ben. I love you. Love you…’ She’s not even sure she’s making sense, doesn’t think the words are actually forming.

 She breaks when he tells her the same, when his voice goes low. “Love you, so fucking much.”  Rey flutters around him as she _feels_ the words, his emotions raw and strong and beautiful.

 She milks him through his own orgasm, her fingers in his hair as she whispers again and again that she’s in love with him.

 ****

  The next morning she wakes up pleasantly sore.

 He’s in the ‘fresher with the door open, shaving, getting ready for work. Some of the joy fades away. She’ll have to be back on base by evening. They’ll only have a few hours when he gets back from work and it’s not enough. It’s never enough.

 She frowns at how unfair it is and he turns around with an expression of complete understanding and longing that she melts into the bed.

  _Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this._

 He finishes shaving and comes over to kiss her on the forehead. “I’ll prepare breakfast.”

 Rey rolls her eyes. Ben found early on she can’t cook to save her life. Water bread and protein gruel she can handle, anything else is foreign.

 She goes into the fresher morosely and comes out of the hot shower in a worse mood. It’s not until she takes her towel from the rack that something sparks.

 Taking a look around the room, she realizes just how much there is of her in the room, in this unit. The towel is hers, she helped picked it out, just as the bottom drawer belongs to her and is filled with her toiletries for when she stays over.

 Wrapping the towel around her body she makes her way to their bedroom. _Their_ bedroom, where there are more of her green plants littering the space, and the funny little figurine Ben had bought to please her because it had reminded her of BB-8.  The closet is half-empty, only his clothes hanging inside. It looks quite sad.

 She pads over to the kitchen to watch him do something that looks more complicated than it should. “What exactly is wrong with instant meals?”

 He makes a face at her. “Everything,” he tells her.

 Rey wants to see that face every morning, wants to see him every time before she falls asleep.  Sighing, she thinks of her job back at the base. A job that like everything else she seems to have fallen into with no direct input from her.

 Maybe she deserves a clean break too. Maybe she’s been stagnating. Maybe it’s time to stop waiting.

 “So, I was thinking that I’m tired of living out of my overnight bag. Could I bring some stuff over?”

 He looks up from what’s he doing, mixing some sort of flour with blue milk, in confusion. “Of course, Rey.”

 “It might be a lot.”

 “There’s plenty of room.”

 “For _all_ my stuff?”

 He stops suddenly and she winces. _Too fast, too much._ _He got spooked._  

 “I’m not spooked,” he says in a huff.

 “Well, you feel… odd,” she says, searching his energy and finding it a convoluted mess of emotions.

  “Rey, you have me wrapped around your little finger. What could possibly make you think I could deny you anything?”

 She flushes at the knowledge. “I never abuse my power… except when there’s limited amounts of sweets involved.”

 “Come here,” he says.

 She goes to him, and he picks her up and sits her down on the counter. He kisses her first and then says, “I never thought I would have you. But I do and you want to live with me and it’s… surreal. And there’s a part of me that doesn’t think I deserve any of this, shhhh,” he quiets her when she tries to interrupt. “I’m going to need a moment to process and adjust.”  

 “You’re getting better,” Rey tells him even though she’s hurting for him too.

 “Yeah?” He says and the crooked smile he gives her is enough to soothe her.

 “Yup,” she says undoing her towel.

 He pulls her closer to him and he steps between her legs. His hands go to her lower back and they travel up and down her spine. “You sure you want to do this?”

 “Yes,” she tells him, wrapping her legs around him. “It’s not just about you,” she says mimicking his words from months before. “I want to move on too.”  She wants to leave the scavenger girl behind, the child that had been roped into the war, the failed padawan and the default mechanic. She was to start brand new, on her own terms, with him by her side.

 He nods in understanding.

 “I want to see you everyday,” she tells him. “I want to wake up next to you.”

 And there’s other things she wants. Things that are sure to spook him.

 “I’m not going to spook,” he says kissing her neck.

 “You’ve no idea,” she tells him.

 “I have an inkling,” he says, “And I’m not scared.”

 She pulls on his belt, starts to unbuckle it. He lets her draw him out and then he furrows his brows. “Mathematically speaking is it correct to use percentages higher than 100? Meaning is it possible to be 5/2 or 4/3 in love? ” he says even as he strains against her hand.

 She laughs loudly. Of course he’d say something like that. Because, Ben Solo, that’s fucking why.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Again, drabble turned into a long One-Shot. Excuse any inaccuracies with the Kyber Crystals. I read a snippet about the Kyber Crystals a long time ago and this was born from it. Wrote this months ago, almost trashed it but I read it recently and it gave me the feels so I hope it gives the feels to the people that read it too. A big thank you to the wonderful Velaris for beta-ing this piece.
> 
> Happy Holidays!


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